I find that when I'm in a relationship, I'm just so 'in it,' you couldn't even call it an art; it's such embroilment. With a friendship, you can choose a little bit more how to behave. You can be guided more.

Sheila Heti’s quote contrasts the emotional dynamics of relationships and friendships, highlighting how these two types of connections differ in the level of involvement and control one has over them. Heti explains that in a romantic relationship, she becomes so deeply immersed or “in it” that it doesn’t feel like an art, but rather an embroilment, implying that the intense emotions and complexities of love can feel all-consuming and hard to navigate. This reflects the idea that romantic relationships often demand a level of emotional entanglement that can be overwhelming and less manageable.

In contrast, Heti suggests that with friendship, there is more freedom to choose how to behave and interact. Friendships, she feels, offer more flexibility, allowing for a more guided and less intense approach to the relationship. This implies that the connection in friendships can be more relaxed and less invasive than in romantic relationships, where the stakes and emotions are often heightened.

Heti’s perspective also reflects a deeper commentary on the nature of intimacy in both contexts. While romantic relationships might be characterized by passion and emotional involvement, friendships offer a different kind of closeness that allows for a more conscious approach to one’s behavior and interaction. The balance of connection and freedom in friendships is something Heti seems to appreciate more, as it allows for guidance without the entanglement often present in romantic love.

The origin of this quote comes from Sheila Heti’s broader exploration of relationships and personal connection, which she often delves into in her writing. Heti is known for her introspective works that question societal norms and the nature of human relationships. This quote captures her candid reflection on the complexities of love versus the more manageable, flexible nature of friendship.