"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."

"Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder."

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."

"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence."

"What is fascinating about marriage is why anyone wants to get married."

"I'm a Hollywood writer, so I put on my sports jacket and take off my brain."

"It is the Band which unites the Interests of Individuals; it secures to them their respective Rights, and preserves them from Injuries; it is the Source of numberless Blessings, which are interrupted, or wholly vanish, the Moment it is disturbed."

"My belief in why America has been doing so well up to now is that we have been propelled by our immigrants and our encouragement of technical innovation and, indeed, creativity across the board."