Quotes by Steven Wright

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"How young can you die of old age?"