A true nature is a gloomy monolith, sort of like that old black rotary phone that I had to sing 'Happy Birthday' to Grandpa on. But novelists, damn us, still need true natures - so we can give them to our protagonists. And so readers can vaguely predict how they'll behave when we trap them in 'situations' that they can't IM their way out of.

In this quote, Walter Kirn humorously reflects on the concept of true nature, suggesting that a person’s true character is often more complex and gloomy than people might realize. He compares it to an old black rotary phone, an object that evokes a sense of the past, implying that true nature is something constant, perhaps even stubborn and difficult to understand. Kirn suggests that in reality, people are more enigmatic than they may appear, but as a novelist, he argues that writers still rely on true natures to shape their characters.

Kirn goes on to explain that, as novelists, they need to create protagonists with a consistent true nature, so readers can anticipate how these characters might act when placed in difficult or challenging situations. These characters must be believable, with motivations and behaviors that readers can somewhat predict. The reference to characters being "trapped in 'situations' they can't IM their way out of" suggests that, unlike in modern life where communication can easily solve problems, the characters in novels must face real, tangible challenges, and their reactions must stem from their true nature.

The phrase "damn us" reflects Kirn's frustration with the need for consistency in character development, acknowledging that while true nature is often difficult to pin down or understand, it remains a necessary element in storytelling. The novelist’s job is to create characters whose actions follow a clear and consistent logic, which is often rooted in their true nature.

Kirn’s quote reflects the tension between the complexity of real human beings and the need for simplified, understandable characters in fiction. The use of the rotary phone metaphor and the humor in his tone suggest that while real life is unpredictable and messy, novelists must still find ways to make their characters' actions feel inevitable, based on a true nature that readers can comprehend.